deep intense lover savaged by the mocking inane and orgulous society who rips (rip) your heart out and gnaws it
Lucretius says-Happy is he who has discovered the causes of things and has cast beneath his feet all fears,unavoidable fate, and the din of the devouring underworld.
As atoms we are in an unchanging world discovering what always has been.
Look back and you will see yourself moving in the direction you are to go, you can’t change it- you have been there already. This is not a perception but a birds feather falling, leaves, rain falling, winds blowing again and again repeat over and over life, death.
In differential topology, sphere eversion is the process of turning a sphere inside out in a three-dimensional space. Remarkably, it is possible to smoothly and continuously turn a sphere inside out in this way without cutting or tearing it or creating any crease. This is surprising, both to non-mathematicians and to those who understand regular homotopy, and can be regarded as a veridical paradox; that is something that, while being true, on first glance seems false.
Dead! Dying. What is my mind on about, she thought.
That’s what is happening : it’s curtains, get it together and take action. It made no sense dying from what? When? How? Why?
Calmly driving into the parking area in front of the doctor’s surgery, no spaces, only a handicapped spot.
Damn it. What now ‘would you just park there’ the mind said.
‘God my car will be towed they better make it quick’.
Locking the car door she made her way to the surgery.
She pushed her way through the entrance, bent over with a prehensile hand on the banister she dragged herself to the top, through the doors: ‘Please’, she said ‘I need to see a doctor’.
Two women stared back at her one said
‘I’m afraid there is no one free until 11.30’.
‘Ok well I’ll have to wait here as I can’t go any further’ she said.
Feeling immolated she cowered and dragged herself to a chair. She felt sick.
There was nothing from the brain, the mind or the body. Silence. Sitting she slumped forward.
Within a minute she heard: ‘Hi Siobhán follow me’.
Unsure if she could support herself she felt weak kneed, her eyes blurry she saw the Dr glance back, as if he half expected something. She followed. Would she make it?
Her back was killing her. The pain was intense and inexpressible.
Even then given a guess she’d have said some strong pain killers.
Sitting down her head bowed there was no energy to hold it up
‘Ok where is the pain’ he said.
‘In my back’.
‘Would you hop up there and I’ll take a look’
Unsteady she hauled herself over to the examination table.
She lay down it felt good
Her head felt fuzzy and her eyes started to close she wanted to sleep.
She could feel a stethoscope on her chest and her head fell to the side.
Blood pressure was taken.
‘Can you tell me between 1 and 10 the pain you feel?’ a voice said.
Seven maybe 8.
From then on death was hovering-
‘see body’ mind said.
How could you be and not be at the same time. Nothing was registering. She felt safe but otherworldly. Degree by degree nothing made sense why wasn’t anyone talking to her. Was she dead now. She felt ……………nothing……drifting……..away….. she was conflicted right there with the moving world. Glad.
He got up and made a call. It was in whispered tones and she couldn’t make a word out. Couldn’t have cared either way. Words wouldn’t come she was now struck deaf and dumb.
Open your mouth and chew this tablet now lift your tongue she felt a spray on it. And another spray.
He made another call.
A nurse appeared at her side she put the wires on her chest.
She felt so tired, for some reason there were no thoughts in her head and no questions to ask she didn’t have the energy or the brain power. The body lay there.
Was this an augury of what was to come?
‘ok Siobhán open your mouth and chew on these tablets’
‘open your mouth lift your tongue’
he sprayed water into her mouth.
Two men appeared some chit chat with the doctor-then they spoke to her.
With an out of body willingness she relented to their requests.
‘Now we are going to put this around you’,
A foil cape caressed her body
‘now just sit down here in the wheelchair’.
‘We are going to take you downstairs’.
Even while this was going on all conceptual thoughts vanished. She has some temporary stress related locked in syndrome. Nothing showed up on the perceptual side of her brain, nothing in the logical.
Nothing or no one hinted at anything. The men seemed jovial even. ‘You’re ok, don’t worry’.
Why couldn’t she muster up a question? Talk. Say something. Ask! Jesus what’s wrong with me? Blank.
‘Don’t worry your in good hands’.
In the ambulance there wasn’t that a hint of anything? Being fed tablets, her blood pressure taken, spray is sprayed, rustling and wires, talk, questions, mask over her face all went quiet.
The siren’s song played.
What lay ahead she couldn’t imagine!
Nothing could prepare her. Her body and mind had now separated to such a degree that language and sensation made no sense.
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morning she felt verThaty cold, in fact she felt cold for quite awhile. She had a protruding vein on her left foot and another in the pit of her left arm. She also had that constant cough caw,caw, caw, and a swollen right ankle.
When you don’t know you can’t know, that’s the problem with the body mind connection.
The body says you’re in trouble the mind says get over yourself. The body says can’t you see the signs listen to me, the mind says so you’ve a cough take a disprin. Veins: its blood supply. Your cold put on a lair of clothes. Attention seeker.
Standing at the front door ready to go, then STOP.
When the unexpected pump in the chest suddenly starts you think panic attack. You think anxiety. You think stress. You think pressure.
Run! Run! Run it off. And you do.rUUUUUUUUUn…RuuuuuuNNNNN
Like the wind you try to escape this nauseating compression and extraction of heart hula hoops.
Your mind courses through all the days beginnings and where you have to be and what you have to do. Meanwhile the heart like a rampaging lunatic is beating so fast that it demands attention.
Stop!! ‘Would you please go away’ the mind says. I’m more powerful than the body. Think it you will achieve it. Isn’t that what they say? If you will it, it will happen. Be positive.
The power of positive thinking.
Well that’s not working. WHAT NOW………
Driving to the first port of call you see a GP’s centre in Glanmire.
You stop and ask for help.
‘Look we are fully booked’
‘please help me my back is killing me, [lease’
‘well go to AnE’, she says with impaaience.
‘Look wait outside I’ll see if I can get a doctor’,
You lean against their cream artexed wall. So cooling the wind in her face. The heat so hot.
The mind this time seems to be catching up with the power of the body;
DO not sit down, do not slither down outside this centre or that’s it. It would feel good, don’t.
The noumenal moment is extinguished, reality has arrived.
You re-enter the GP’s
‘sorry we can’t see you’ she says in that proper fuck off voice.
The mind pipes up. How? Why? What is going on to herself?
You are in trouble.
She needs help.
Near to collapse all this drama in your chest wants centre stage; the spotlight beams brighter, you feel faint, sweating you glide into your car. You leave.
Your back is in agony now.
Please stop. The surprise of it all, the wish it would just go away made no difference.
Arrest is an accurate term as you are under arrest, imprisoned nailed and restrained.
Still flight or fight is inbuilt.
Your brain is ready to cave in, ok body you win I’ll take it from here says the mind.
Go to your own Dr.
Reverse. Turn right or left? Go RIGHT, go right the mind said.
Down the dual carriageway easy- calm- thought restricted- head pounding- you do what you are told body says the mind.
The body want you to stop driving.
Do not stop or you are dead.
Feeling faint the chest now batters and runs wild BOOM, BOOM, BOOM n BANG BANG BOOM:
under siege the body wants to stop and lie down on the road, this time the strong mind says ‘Do no such thing’ your dead if you do.
Dead? Where did that come from? Who’s dying?